Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
