Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
