she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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