Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
