You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
