Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
