i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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