Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
