Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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