It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
