So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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