I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
