no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
