Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
