and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
