i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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