I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
