He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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