but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
