I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
