zippers are such a cool invention
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
