Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
