from now on my penis is your penis
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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