Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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