She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
