I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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