Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
