She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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