How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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