Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
