Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
