I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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