After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
