omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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