Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
