I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
