I faked an abortion last night.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
