I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
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yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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And then my night got REAL pukey
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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