two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
