Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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