Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
