Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
