i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He felt like a one man threesome
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
