you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
