The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
