I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
