I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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