Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
