im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
