You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
