cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
