I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
