also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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