guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
