my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
