I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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