How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.