Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
everyone is single if you try hard enough
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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