Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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